I vehemently hate myself. I hate everyone, I hate humans.?
So…
I am 14 years old and female. I’m not stupid; I’m in all honors classes and maintain an A or a B in all my classes. I play guitar, piano, and violin. My three only friends. However, I am probably the most annoying, awkward, nervous, pessimistic, selfish, confused, creepy, lonely person ever. I am your all-around piece of shit person. Here I go again talking about myself….I have severe ADD and have had an anxiety disorder since I was 6. I can’t even do the simplest tasks without being a complete awkward failure. It’s hard to explain. I start shaking before tests and quizzes and I have panic attacks if the hallway is too crowded. When I like a guy, he knows it, because I space out and stare at him and act like a totally clumsy creep. I had crushes that liked me back, but I am such a freak, that when they tried to talk to me I ran away. What the hell is wrong with me? Any who, the thing about me hating people….
I hate humans. It’s not being hypocritical because I include myself in my hate list.
I was raped when I was 11. Enough said. My mom used to verbally abuse me I guess you’d say, when my anxiety was at it’s peak when I was 8 and I’d start regurgitating. She’d tell me I was "stupid" and a "mistake" and "ugly on the inside" in some horrifying yelling voice. I don’t have a dad. I have always been a loyal friend you know, and supported them and such. Every friend I’ve ever had has screwed me over. For example, one of my friends started doing cocaine, I tried to get her to realize she was being self-destructive, but she wouldn’t listen. I tried to stick with her, but she went off to a crowd of druggie kids. All the other friends I’ve had in the past left me to hang out with the popular crowd and what not. So now I’m just a lonely bitch. I live in sort of a bad area I guess. Sort of a snobby rich kid area. I refuse to be slutty or do drugs so that basically turns people against me. There are some good people, but I’m just too…awkward. I get bullied a lot by guys mostly. I eat lunch in the bathroom. I’m too chicken to even attempt killing myself. I’m just one of God’s mistakes.
You probably think I’m being over dramatic or whatever, but thats just my pessimistic, annoying, self shining through.
So… should I kill myself?
Run away?
Sell myself to science?
Befriend nature?
I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself. I’m practically drowning in my own thoughts.
Suggest whatever you want because I’m that desperate.
wow. you been through a lot. i am actually the same way. i hate people basically everyone. im very contradicting, so i hate people but i wont be unfriendly. i put up walls with everyone and even someone who knows me for 5 years still doesnt know the real true me. i dont open up because i dont want to. i used to be pessimistic but found it got me no where and i like u lost friends for many reasons. be proud of who u are. no one is ever considered normal, and no one even know what normal is. my dad was verbally abusive to me as well and has punched me in the fracturing the bone underneath it. no u should not kill yourself dont hate yourself for who u are hate the people that left u. if u find some parts about yourself that u wanna change then do so. but im proud that u wont go to drugs or be a slut. thats definately a plus so i applaud u for that. and dont run away either there is no where to go. when u hit your 20s it will get better. being a teenager was such a bitch for me
Comments
Comment from making #2 hopefully its a girl!
Time February 8, 2010 at 9:25 am
wow. you been through a lot. i am actually the same way. i hate people basically everyone. im very contradicting, so i hate people but i wont be unfriendly. i put up walls with everyone and even someone who knows me for 5 years still doesnt know the real true me. i dont open up because i dont want to. i used to be pessimistic but found it got me no where and i like u lost friends for many reasons. be proud of who u are. no one is ever considered normal, and no one even know what normal is. my dad was verbally abusive to me as well and has punched me in the fracturing the bone underneath it. no u should not kill yourself dont hate yourself for who u are hate the people that left u. if u find some parts about yourself that u wanna change then do so. but im proud that u wont go to drugs or be a slut. thats definately a plus so i applaud u for that. and dont run away either there is no where to go. when u hit your 20s it will get better. being a teenager was such a bitch for me
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Comment from Brian
Time February 8, 2010 at 10:04 am
The best of us have the worst time of us. All of heroes through history have had the worst childhoods, like yours.
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Comment from Molly
Time February 8, 2010 at 10:18 am
see a mental health professional.
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Comment from Joe
Time February 8, 2010 at 11:08 am
If what you are saying is true then I am astonished. I didnot think any secondary school could be like that. I might be able to help you.
1st try breaving in thrue your nose and out thrue your mouth(deep breaths).
2nd be more carmer and more confident.
3rd never panic
4th get help( the school sould have a counsuler)
5th be frendly
if you need more help then email me j36c@hotmail.co.uk
DO NOT comit suwiside
6th remember not all people are bad.There will be people up at midnight trying to help as many people as posible
goodnight
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Comment from cousins_primo
Time February 8, 2010 at 11:25 am
First thing, Your not a mistake, God never made a mistake Second Put the past behind you, it’s been forgiven if you prayed about it, the devil will try to bring up your past. Third Keep pressing toward the mark and fight the good fight of Faith. We can use your help. Change the hate and anger to love and patience, that will really confuse the devil.
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Comment from butchered_self_esteam
Time February 8, 2010 at 11:53 am
I know you probably don’t wanna here this, but you’re still young, and some of it (not all) will go away with time. I was a wreck when I was little, just too much angst, and when I was 15 it drove me to drop out of high school. But, I got my GED and now I’m a sophomore in college. I’ve still got the same old mental problems, but I’m no longer convinced that I hate everything and my life will suck forever.
have you been in therapy? or on medication? meds can do wonders, they can’t ‘fix you" or anything like that, but will often take the edge off. can you switch schools? a new start might help.
about hating people. you’re correct in that people do horrible things, and that we are all capable of them, it all depends on the situations we are placed in, and the resources we have for coping. However, the human race is also beautiful. We accomplish great things, we are capable of extreme degree’s of empathy, and it doesn’t matter weather they are doing it because it makes THEM feel better or some other selfish cause; as long as they "care", and are willing to help; to support people in need of comfort.
is there another relative you can move in with?
can you find some activity that takes up a great deal of time. It’s rather difficult to brood without free time. some school club, start writing a book…
-the best of luck, you seem extremely competent though, so I’m sure you will eventually figure something out. It will probably take some time, years I would imagine, so until then you’re just going to have to endure, no matter how painful it is.
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Comment from Chrona
Time February 8, 2010 at 12:28 pm
Hey… Victoria here, maybe my personal story can give you some solace…
a lil about me- about a year after my husband left me and my daughter died about 5 years ago.. I was at a very difficult point in my life, and was ultimately diagnosed with depression, severe anxiety, and panic disorder. I would say that i’ve always for the most part been a little depressed and had some degree of anxiety, but this just completely tipped the scale. I remember there were days on end I would just lie in bed, and whenever I would be in a social environment my anxiety would go through the roof and I would often have panic attacks. Therapy never seemed to be effective for me, and my psych put me on damn near every med out there. I’ve been on everything from wellbutrin to paxil, zoloft, prozac, lexapro, celexa, buspar, valium, klonopin, xanax.. etc. Sometimes 2-3 different ones in combo at the same time. Nothing really seemed to work for me. With the exception of some of the benzos (klono./xanax) .. these worked well for a little while, but I grew tolerance quickly, and became highly addicted.
Then one day while researching online i came across this reputable looking website http://www.anxiety.pcti-system.com .. which talked about this program to eliminate your anxiety for good, all naturally. Long story short, I wound up signing up to try it and the program worked amazing.. Not only do I no longer have panic attacks and anxiety gone, but my depression has also seemed to dissipate a little. And I’m currently starting to slowly ween off the meds I’m on. >>>>
I would personally say that possibly the biggest driving factor in all this is OCD. I think obsessing and constantly having your thoughts focused on your own condition and constantly analyzing your own thoughts/actions plays a very significant role in the persistence of our ails. Almost like the condition is a small lit fire, and OCD is the fuel that keeps it consistently burning… Also, I’ve come to the conclusion that meds are generally a unhealthy short term cure that only semi-treats the symptoms, and never the cause. Hope I was of some help!
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Comment from Arielle
Time February 8, 2010 at 9:02 am
ur not God’s mistake!Ur God’s gift!try to see a doctor!befriend somebody!do something creative!just don’t do anything 2 hurt yourself!
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