Terrified to have children — what to do?
First, a little background about me. I am 34 and my husband is 39. We have been married for almost 10 years. When we first got married, we discussed that we would probably spend a few years without kids and then have them when I was done with school. But once I finished school and the idea of having kids became a reality, I got more and more scared of the idea. My husband and I decided to not have kids after a while, at least for now. This led to my very religious parents not speaking to me for a period of time and a lot of people giving me a lot of grief over it and that I really should have them.
So now my husband is nearing 40 and is going back on this idea thinking that he wants kids. My problem is that I am TERRIFIED of having kids! Most of the online posts I have seen on the subject are people who are scared of going through the pain of delivery or the physical issues surrounding pregnancy, but that is not it for me. I do not like children and have had panic attacks around large groups of them on more than one occasion. But I really have a phobia over hating my life after having them. I have a few friends who have had kids who really hate their lives and resent their children because of it.
Everyone tells me that once I have them then I will realize how great they can be and that "it is different when the are yours." Honestly, I am a little tired of hearing that because I feel like nobody understands what I am saying about this fear. And what if it is not true? What if I do hate my life and hate or resent my children because of it? Is there some sort of name for this phobia?
A good portion of people who want children aren’t ready to have them. You don’t want them, don’t have them. It would be a recipe for disaster; you wouldn’t truly be able to be a good mother to them, and they would likely grow up unhappy and unsatisfied with life, and you yourself would be extremely unhappy. Please honey, don’t have children. You don’t want them, you are terrified of the idea, don’t have them just because you are pressured.
Comments
Comment from theatrelover554
Time January 7, 2010 at 1:07 pm
A good portion of people who want children aren’t ready to have them. You don’t want them, don’t have them. It would be a recipe for disaster; you wouldn’t truly be able to be a good mother to them, and they would likely grow up unhappy and unsatisfied with life, and you yourself would be extremely unhappy. Please honey, don’t have children. You don’t want them, you are terrified of the idea, don’t have them just because you are pressured.
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Comment from JoKTM
Time January 7, 2010 at 1:28 pm
It is YOUR choice to have kids or not. Do not let people bully you because they are "holier than thou" I love my mom to death but she has Social anxiety and I have general anxiety disorder. Panic disorders are hard to live with especially if you are not treated for it. If you guys decide down the line you want kids you can adopt. I am 28 and just now wanting kids. They don’t terrify me and neither does pregnancy. I am a toddler teacher and love it. I have had other jobs but could not handle an office job because it was to mundane. I have worked off and on with kids since I was 16 and just now ready to settle down and learn what its like to take my own advice. You can’t take back a pregnancy or a baby, so don’t have one if you don’t want one for 18+yrs. Their are benefits to having kids and not having kids. If you prefer not to have them don’t you don’t want to deal with postpartum or any resentment.
Your husband is feeling pressure to but you guys need to use this time to just grow stronger together.
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Comment from kazee
Time January 7, 2010 at 1:59 pm
My Aunt never had kids for this same reason, she has taken in animals instead. Those are her children.
You need to tell your husband what you have said here. Ignore everyone else, this is how you feel. It is no one elses business except you and your husbands.
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Comment from Ryn *Due Jan. 28th*
Time January 7, 2010 at 2:13 pm
I think you need to explain, or try to explain, this to your husband if you haven’t already. Hopefully he will listen and be willing to understand where you are coming from. You definitely shouldn’t have kids if this is how you feel. Having kids can be great, and it can be one giant headache. Having children isn’t for everybody. If it isn’t for you, don’t beat yourself up! There’s nothing wrong with you for being afraid and not wanting children. Who knows, maybe in a year or two you will change your mind. But for now I think it would be a big mistake to give in to the pressure you feel because then you will most likely become on of those people who resent their children. No one wants that. Just take your time and don’t do anything you don’t really want, especially when it comes to bringing a life into the world(or adopting).
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I’m 23 and pregnant…wasn’t planned but I have always wanted kids. I can understand the fear though. Motherhood is terrifying and a lot of work!
Comment from GI
Time January 7, 2010 at 2:39 pm
If you really don’t want kids then by all means don’t have them.. it’s your body, your life and your choice.own your decision.
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Comment from Sweetpea
Time January 7, 2010 at 2:51 pm
I don’t like other people’s children, but I love my own. I wasn’t exactly expecting my son, and was a bit unhappy about it at first.
Now, however, he is the center of my life, and I can’t imagine what I would do without him.
I can’t tell you do it or don’t,. but I can respect you viewpoint
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Comment from Harmony
Time January 7, 2010 at 3:37 pm
It kind of sounds like you shouldn’t have kids, I’d feel bad for a kid whose mom didn’t want them.
Even if I was afraid of little kids, I’d have to have them, because I wouldn’t want to live without a family. Everything I enjoy doing has to do with family, birthdays, holidays, vacations. It is also true that you can’t take money with you when you die, but your family relationships can last. My kids are a treasure thats going to last forever. Before you have kids, you should WANT the lifestyle that goes with it. If you don’t then you have your answer.
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Comment from Genane F
Time January 7, 2010 at 1:02 pm
You have good reason to be terrified. The delivery part is a breeze compared to the next 18 years.
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